Bullying in America is epidemic.
It is an alarming issue throughout the world.
cyberbullying, child abuse, bullying
For Repeat Readers,Thank you, scroll down past line; “pass this on to your people.” We need your viewpoints and comments.
Nearly 1 in 5 students in an average classroom is experiencing bullying
Bullying starts in many American homes.
Each year, siblings abuse 19 million children…in their own home.
My name is Nancy Fox-Kilgore,M.S http://www.siblingbullies.com
Sample Read.
For Newcomers, Welcome! Read the Mission Statement:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIBZa90clhk
Mission Statement:
To present hopeful educational information that heightens awareness about, bullies, bullying, and child abuse. It helps uncover that bullies, whether they are cyber bullies or aggressive bullies that utilize face-to-face contact, are often created in home settings. Cyberbullying is often first practiced on siblings. Siblings are now being publicly humiliated, rejected, or hated.
Because of our present economy that provides conditions where children are not supervised or parented, the basic goal is to impart prevention information that keeps us safe from the aggressions of children/adolescents and those who are yet unborn.
It is a beacon of light to all adult survivors, over 80 million, who are recovering from sibling abuse in their childhoods. Many adults recovering from sibling abuse can have: distrust, difficulty in relationships/domestic violence involvement, addictions, eating disorders, PTSD, anxiety, depression, anxiety, self-injury, thoughts of suicide, and poor parenting patterns.
**** Please leave your comments. Share resources, stats, books, poems, your heart, etc.
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Stat/Thought For Today: Throughout history, society ignored violent acts between siblings and often excused them as normal behavior. Violent acts among siblings is 8OO per 1000.
Bully-Proof Thought 
o not overload an older child with adult tasks of babysitting, etc. Aggression often comes back to the younger child.
Thought For Adult Survivors:
“Lay down the boogie and play that funky music til ya die…..”
Ask yourself how intense and chaotic has sibling abuse in childhood, done to your adulthood? Many sibling adult survivors, because of the abuse from a trusted sibling(s), have destructive lives of chaos. We move alot, have problematic-negative relationships, use drugs or alcohol, are depressed, and sometimes have suicidal ideation. The reason for this is that our beginning brain became a trauma brain. The first circuits that were being formed in our brain knew trauma. The imprint is often a deep one. The cognitions that go with us into our teen, adult, and often senior years is that we do not deserve to enjoy life and are not worthy of happiness.
Much love to you today.
Statement From An Anonymous Survivor: My brother told me that I would be O.K. if I jumped off the roof. I wasn’t. My arm was broken. In the emergency room, I had a cast put on. The authorities or child protective services was not called. The abuse was from a family member and it was alright to receive it. I learned that I was worthless and suffer from low self esteem and addictions in my adult life.
Commentary: It is the adult sibling abuse survivors who will impact and change the lives of little children who are now “getting it” from a sibling(s). The appeal has been put out there to adult survivors to “come out from wherever you are” and help this great cause. You are needed. Your voices and your comments are needed for a new movement. This movement needs to launch and I needs your help. There are well over 80 million adult survivors in America alone who are in stages of recovery from being violated and abused by their sibling(s). This abuse can come from a cousin or a step-sibling. My prayer is for you at whatever hour this comes to you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckH3V_xOCnQ&feature=related
Your input is needed here. We are a community. Leave your ideas, share your story, comments…
It’s interesting that I should find your blog today when your thought of the day is: o not overload an older child with adult tasks of babysitting, etc. Aggression often comes back to the younger child.”
My mother was still a child at heart and she was unsupported and totally overloaded by her kids. I was bullied by parents, uncles, aunts and cousins AND given way too much responsibility at a very young age so I looked after my younger siblings but I know that I also bullied them as well as try and stop them from bullying each other. It worked to a degree because all 3 of them are very close and get on well as adults. I am the outsider now.
When I had my own kids I was super vigilant to get to the root cause of all their “little” disputes so they never became big arguments or bullying. I also taught them conflict resolution tools every day. And I was emotionally present. I took responsibility,m apologized for what I did wrong, listen to their complaints, tried to be fair, asked them to be fair.
Now my kids are good friends and their friendship is seen as unusual by their friends who typically do NOT like their own siblings. That attitude puzzles my kids and makes them sad.
I am proud that in spite of my past and in spite of being a victim of abuse and and early perpetrator of sibling bullying, I was able (with a lot of work and a lot of support) to turn things around and become a creator and supporter of harmony.
What you discuss here is rampant Nancy and it is so important that you expose it as you have such a passion for doing so, such a grasp of the topic and such a clear way of presenting it.
Thank you for writing here as you have giving me yet another piece of my own healing, grieving and moving on.
With much Love and Light Nancy!
I cherish what you said. It will give me sustenance to keep going on. This is a hard cause, but a worthy one because of the children. How did you find this blog? I am grateful that you changed things for your own children. It was an inspiration to read. Thank you for coming into the blog. Nancy
I am a survivor of sibling abuse. The years were many and traumatic. I am writing about it and would like any survivors who feel comfortable about it to come forward and share their story with me. I will not use real names for family protection, but would like real stories. I have found that this writing, although painful, is extremely healing. I feel this subject is not discussed enough which means that not enough people are being protected. Send me an email for further contact.
I am grateful to hear from another survivor. You are so right in your statements in regard to there not being enough protection. There actually is no awareness or even concern that so many children are getting it each and everyday. Those who have survived have no platform to stand on. The one that is in place is made of cardboard and denial. Let’s make it stronger. Nancy
I would very much like to share my story.
Share your story here.
Denial is what I read about others, who loved,and respected the older brother or sister. Now I see that the verbal and emotional abuse I experienced from my two older siblings effected my whole life. Even today the two siblings still blame me when ever they can to make the past less shameful on them. They too may be in denial due to the reasons they bullied; Mom and Dad’s problems ith PTSD from the war and the great depression. I still have difficulty facing them, fearing hurting their feelings. Even after many poor choices in my life, and years of depression healing and now separation from them. My sister had epilepsy along with emotional problems that basically dominated the family. She put me down when I wanted to interact with the family and Mother did not stop her. My brother verbally and emotionally abused me when Mother went to work when I as 8. I eventually could not concentrate on school work, started to drop from A and B’s to E, D, and F’s. Went steady with a “bad boy”, got pregnant; after brother and parents shamed me for it. Guilt, depression, having a child, workiing, and still looking after my grown sister suffering from epilepsy, and driving parents places (Mom did not drive). Eventho we were a dysfunctinal family we loved each other and tried to solve problems as they happened. I realized many years later, after 2 divorces and basically homeless, I healed myself from depression my isolating myself from everyone for about 10 years. Now trying to re connect with sister, and brother, its still there; the tension from our past. Each one hurt, from our parents dysfunctions, fighting over Mothers attention; even on her death bed, I am alone 2500 miles away, while brother and sister sit by her side as she passes away. I still wonder what secrects she took along wit her. For I have studied Psychology for years to heal myself and help others; and realized that my Mother may have been sexully abused by an older brothr or her father during the great depression, and may have formed multiple personalities, we never understood. Or did my brother realize it, and tried to keep it quiet by moving my parents to Florida 22 years ago……..
Family secrets, and bonding,,,,,,a love hate saga; I’ve lived all my life.
When I found a 8 x 10 photo of me at 6 years old; with dart holes all throuh my face and body, I asked my Mother; “why does ________ (my brother) hate me?” I told her why, and she kindly minimalized it. As I grew I noticed his anger for me growing stronger. Now, at 58 years old I wonder what really happened in my home before Mom brought me home to a 3 year old son, and 6 year old daughter……..
…..sins of the family……
I love them all deeply but do they love me?
My son now is an adult suffering from similar depression…..I worked whild he was in day care…….had been sexually abuse once by a man who lived in a licenced day care…..my worst fear came true……..and only did I know after he was in counseling and a marriage break up at 35 years old.
……how do we heal,,,,,,?
and when we do, how do we relate to those who hurt us?………how do we find love and trust again?
Many mothers don’t want to admit that their families are imperfect or that they can’t parent. I had a mother like yours.
I am a survivor of child and adult parental and sibling abuse. Unfortunately, with a parent engaging in abuse, while the other was enabling, the sibling abuse was at best overlooked and at worst justified. I have recently come to realize the long-term damage that this type of abuse can cause. By communicating, sharing our stories and hopes, we can bring about healing and a positive outcome.
So glad to hear from you. Sharing is our first step. Many of us need trauma treatment. I found EMDR to be the most helpful.
Blessings, Nancy
Healing can take place in support groups.
I am a survivor, at least I thought I was. My brother bullied me physically and mentally everyday since I was three until I got out of the houseat 18. It took two master’s degrees to gain my self-esteem back. However, at 43 after dedicating a lifetime to staying away from him we had to be together during my father’s death. Within two weeks we had a disagreement which set him off all over again, which brought on the same feelings I did when I was 6, 8, 10, 12, 16, etc. Especially when my mother’s stance was “you two will have to work it out….” The same stance that was taken for the past 40 years by both parents. Now that I’ve separated myself from him once again, my mother wants me to make up with him for the peace of the family. I’m not going back down that tunnel…
You are in an impossible situations. Mothers often have the stance of “making up.” It helps a parent more than a child. Something gets lost in the making up. That something is some restitution or offering of therapy.
I am also a survivor of sibling abuse. I used to brush it off and say it’s just sibling rivalry. Until I found an article defining the differences between sibling abuse and sibling rivalry. The word ABUSE caught my attention because I was involved in an 8 year abusive relationship. Ending up seeking help from a Womens’ shelter to get away from him. Years of therapy and still am remembering things from the past that I’ve blocked from my trauma. Which now leads me to my sibling abuse. My brother is 2 years older than I. He was very abusive to me. And I never realized this until recently. It was an on and off again relationship with him. I always would protect him even though I was younger. I remember just wanting to be with him all the time as a child. I loved him so much and tried to make him love me. He has cut off all contact with me and has shunned me and my daughter from the family. He would not even acknowledge my daughter in the same room. He started really cutting me off when my aunt was sick and there was an inheritance in the works. And then again when our mother died, he would go to her apartment and take furniture, etc. I remember telling him after Mom died, that I’ve tried for 50 years to make you love me and you have just broken my heart. His comment was “You think you’re so special”? That was the last time I spoke to him. I tried calling him, but he changed his phone number, unpublished! It’s the worst hurt I have EVER felt. I miss my family so much and at times I want to write to my aunt or cousins, and I end up ripping the letter up, because I know he has turned them against me. It’s such a void in my life, it feels like I have a hole in my heart. Family was always a huge part of my life and I always organized the holidays and celebrations with family. I really feel so hurt for my daughter, she deserves to belong to family. She said to me once, why does Uncle Mike hate me Mommy? I cry every time I think of that. Sorry I made this so long. Thank You for letting me share with you.
I’m sure you’ve created your own family of friends. They will be your true family. Sometime it is best to just push on, take care of the present, and let the past go, even if it means giving up your blood family. Your daughter is your family now. Invest in her. I’ve had to do the same thing. It sucks, but taking care of our own heart is the only way to get stronger and make it through. Just because we’re bound by genetics, doesn’t mean we have to stay bound.
I so understand. We are social creatures. I have lost my family and my son because of sibling abuse. Shunning from family is painful.
From the bottom of my heart, I understand the void that you are talking about. It is time for survivors to tell their stories.
the situation is not so bad with the inhouse bullying as it is with school bullying. there is a saying in my countrya “i’d rather my brother hit me than my enemy treat me good”.
i have a little brother and sister (they are twins) who are 22 years younger than me. they fight each day. but they also stand for each other when someone tries to hurt the other one.
remember – blood is not water.
I can’t tell any difference.
I came across this blog after an initial search about anti-bully programs and a subsequent search on sibling bullying. Thank you for writing this as I have found out the hard way that there really isn’t any protection or knowledge about what is going on.
Although I am the oldest of 4 (two younger sisters and a younger brother), it is my two younger sisters and mother who are the bullies. It’s usually verbal but the sisters always threaten bodily harm to me and my brother because they are “annoyed” and think the world revolves around them.
Just recently, the youngest sister (all of 15 years old) told me that I was dumb, an idiot, fat, nobody liked me, no one listens to me and I don’t have a real job (despite my ability to produce income). I have heard similar things from the other sister.
I know I can’t please them and I don’t try, but it bothers me more that my own mother does nothing about it. The lack of respect from those three is outrageous and I am at a loss for what to do because, due to economic circumstances, we are all living in the same house.
I am angry, sad, and frustrated all at the same time. I am also being treated for depression, anxiety, eating disorder not otherwise specified (unofficial right now), and who knows what else is wrong with me. It stinks and it’s wrong. When I see a kid being bullied or adults being treated wrong, I don’t tell the victim to be more assertive, I confront the bully and let them know that their behavior is wrong an unacceptable. No one should be subjected to what any of us have gone through.
Sorry this has been so long, but it has been bothering me for such a long time that I am just glad to find a place where others understand how I feel!
Thank you for standing up for the rights of human beings.
Sorry this has taken so long. Eating disorders and depression are so much a part of the aftermath of sibling abuse.
I also find others’ stories comforting and validating within a mindset/culture that says “you’re an adult, get over it.”
I’ve recently been trying to figure out why I have such severe ptsd/depression, and thinking my siblings might have something to do with it. I’m the youngest of 8- there was a lot of craziness in the family. Two of my brothers are adopted from Vietnam, and one of them had severe developmental problems (he tried to burn down the neighbor’s garage when he was about 11) and I remember taping him so I could give my mom proof of the things he said to me because she didn’t listen to my complaints about him. One memory that kind of proves it wasn’t just teasing is when I was 11, after a regular making-fun-of-me session with my brother, I went to my room and stabbed a carpet with a knife until the blade broke off the handle. My eldest sister was abusive to everyone, and they, in turn, passed down the family “jokes” (e.g., feeding the younger one unsweetened chocolate, superiority, etc.) I’m starting to believe some of the more extreme memories- my eldest dragged me up a flight of stairs by my hair once, and another sister tied me to a bureau in the basement. She and her friend pretended I was their dog, and left me there while they went to play. I never believed my own memories. My parents were pretty oblivious because they were busy hating each other. My mom went to law school after they divorced, and I think I was neglected. I was cooking my dinner and doing laundry around 10 yrs old.
Anyway, I suffer from depression, have attempted suicide 3 times, am an addict- generally effed up. Recently, I was very suicidal, and began really delving into the root causes of this “trauma brain” with my therapist. I never took what my siblings did/do to me as a possible cause of ptsd until now because I didn’t think what they did was “classic” abuse. All siblings fight, right?
Thanks for listening, and thanks for your site.
Thank you for connecting. My personal e-mail is highestgood2000@yahoo.com
Sorry it has taken so long to get back to you. I understand what you are saying. I hope you can get a treatment called EMDR. It is an effective trauma treatment. You were in situations of total helplessness and had no control.
Starting at the age of about 8 I was a victim from my brother. I never defined it that way and never defined it as trauma until one day I realized that constantly worrying that your brother would kill you is NOT NORMAL. My parents didnt know about it. My brother told me that if I ever told them he’d kill me. I dont even really remember everything except the feeling of fear and thinking that the only way I could protect myself and my other brother was to try to act stronger than I was. Now anytime I feel vulnerable I get angry and react poorly. This is not good for relationships. Following this I’ve realized that many of the issues I have in relationships and friendships stem from how I have learned to react in life. I’ve tried to read materials on Adult Children of Alcoholics because many of the reactions I have are similar to what children with alcoholic parents have developed. I have’t found much material reflecting my experience of sibling abuse though. I’ve tried to see a therapist but those I could afford have been no help. I feel like this could be a lifelong struggle and that scares me since I dont see much hope for change. I’m seeking any reading materials or organizations that may have support groups for sibling abuse. Can anyone help? I need to talk to someone who can relate but my brother who went through this with me doesnt like to talk about it. Complicating my issue is that the perpetrator of this violence, my brother, suffers from bipolar disorder and was self medicating at the time so though I hate him I feel some amount of guilt over it. I need to learn to feel vulnerable and to express positive emotion. Sometimes I feel like a robot, always pretending to be stronger than I am. My brother is also a trigger for me. I periodically have dreams that he is trying to kill me. I’m 26 now and just wish it would all stop.
What State do you live in? I live in Massachusetts and we have a group called co-dependency anonymous. If you google that with schedule for your area it should give you a listing of meetings in your area. Please try this. It is helping me.
Diane
Right now there are no support groups for sibling abuse. I see a need, as you do as well. The trauma treatment that is effective is EMDR. I wish you could get it.
I believe for many years an adult sibling stalked me; to keep me away from our Mother and their life. The siblng even said many times in anger, (after childhood abuse)
“you being here is messing up my life”. This was when he invited me to stay with his family while I was going through a separation from my husband. Then I knew he harbored ill feelings for me from my birth.
It’s sad, because I too looked up to him, followed him all the time as a child. It’s so sad how even two children only 3 and 6 years old can damage their baby sister or brother for life, and their children.
I call this WWIII; the war within the family.
You are so right and thank you for sharing. It is time for survivors to tell their stories.
I am an extremely high-functioning survivor of indescribable torture by two older siblings and a couple of idiots for parents. In the interest of protecting myself and everything I’ve worked hard to build in the here and now, I share my story with very few people who actually know me. Most of the time, I cope just fine. More than one specialist in psychiatry has expressed amazement that I am as sane, normal and successful as I am. And because my experiences were so bizarre, there aren’t many things in the ordinary spectrum of life that remind me of my awful past, and so most of the time I can simply not think about it. But there are the occasional triggers — always completely out of the blue — and it’s frightening how quickly those can send me spiraling downward into the black pit of despair. I keep it to myself, so not even my husband and children suspect. Eventually, I find my own way back up to the surface. But it’s very lonely. I wish I had someone to talk to who has some inkling what it’s like to live with these memories. I want to be very clear: I have no interest in engaging in a mutual wringing of hands or moaning about what victims we are. What I would like to talk about is ways to share strength, compassion and empathy with others who have walked this very difficult and lonely path, and who like me have found ways to rise above the past.
Ann,
You are not alone, there are others who understand, and there are people who can handle hearing your story. Living well with this in your past is very impressive and I want you to find not only your strength, but succor in a confidante.
I’ve started a blog about my own experiences with being bullied by my two older siblings. I’d love to hear from others. Visit me at:
siblingbully.wordpress.com
PS: It’s called Ann’s Bully Pulpit. Pun intended.
Sorry this has taken so long. My book is getting published in the Spring of 2013. I hope others will follow.
As and adult and going through my mom’s illness, I can realize that sibling bullying stil is there, more it had never stop. The way of ganging up against me under this situation is the most cruel ever thing I have encounter and sadly realized, it will never stop.
Even when they know mental pain and sickness they continue tha abuse never realizing they are wrong….
I am 43 years old, and it truly has been a rough 43. I am now in counselling and leaning that the repeated physical beatings that I received from 12 to 17 from my 6 year older sister, triple my size. She like to publicly humiliate me by coming to where I was, with my friends, hanging out. She would come out of her car beat me like she was a man throw me in her car and returned me home, throwing me in the kitchen door to my mother saying”Look who I found in the wind”. My my condoned in through my teens due to me then rebelling as teens do. I moved from my house at age 16 when a friend from High School’s mother noticed my black eyes, and busted lips, she let me move in with their family. I am just learning all this. I remember more and more each day. Any advice from any one supportive would be very grateful.
Sincerely,
Diane
Try if you can to get a particular trauma treatment called EMDR.
I have struggled with low self esteem and depression all of my life. It was not until recently after giving birth to my daughter that I began to have night frights that would shoot my heart rate to 160 beats per minute. I would jump up from my sleep feeling like I was having a heart attack. These tachycardia episodes were followed by panic attacks and would end with diarrhea. I couldn’t remember my dreams at first. After meeting with a psychologist I started to remember how my sisters abused me emotionally, psychologically, and physically. I couldn’t believe it since we have such a good relationship now. I had erased the abuse until now. I confronted my sisters who apologized for what they did. I have had EMDR therapy which has helped significantly. I still have PTSD symptoms but overall I’m in a better place now that I know why I am the way that I am.
Unlike you, my siblings never apologized. I am grateful that yours did. In my book, I advocate that siblings give some financial compensation for therapy. Ptsd is something to be managed everyday. Most siblings have “complex” Ptsd. It is the most resistent even to EMDR. Love yourself everyday and never think that you are a failure if the symptoms come out. You are a true survivor.
I have been abused. It didn’t happen as a child, but as a young woman. I became successful,and grew up. My older sister couldn’t stand not being the prettiest, not being the smartest. I remember one time when I was only 9 she came into my room and told me I would grow up to have our mother’s build. (At this time my mother was very heavy.) I grew up, I weighed 112, I had a very good paying job. But my sister hated me and I knew it. One time for my birthday, after I had purchased her a nice gift she gave me 6 chocolate chip cookies in a baggie. This was just the beginning. After I married, she left a message on my phone telling me that no one our family wanted anything to do with me, that I should leave the state and never have contact with them. I profusely wrote her numerous cards and notes, apologizing for what I didn’t even know. She would walk through doors I held and never speak. She literally walked over my child one time in store and didn’t even say hello to him or us. She had birthdays, graduations and weddings including every other family member but my family. When asked, she ALWAYS tells my mother “I don’t have a problem with Carmen” This has now gone on for 20 years. I have now found out that my mother has placed her on all of my mom’s accounts. I am hurt beyond words. Not because I am not on the accounts, but simply because after all the hurt, and all the bullying, my mother has chosed her to be her representative. As an adult woman, I now see that for years, my own mother was also involved in the bullying. I am hurt beyond words.
Thank you so much for connecting. Adult sibling abuse has not been given focus. Your comments have given it recognition and I applaud you. What you have described is like an intra-family mafia system. It is existence everyday in America. No one really talks about it because of family loyalty and no one wants to be outside the family group. To be outside the group is terrifying and lonely. I know this first hand. My life, however, is better because I am not in the distorted family dynamic. Thank you for writing. Nancy
Nancy… I can not thank you enough for your site. Even as an adult, siblings can bully. I would have conversations of “hurt” with my mother, and she would say to me,” You need to just move on. You are making way too much of this. You have always been so emotional” (Making me feel as though there was something wrong with me.) The bullying from my older sister was always there, however; as she became a confident adult her behavior became worse. My sister has acted like I was dead when I literally lived 6 blocks from her. Excluding me from everything. She invited extended family living further than I to parties, leaving us out. I am now 49 and have waisted so much, too much energy on trying to fit in with my mother, who if not at the root of it all, was at the very least playing the game with my sister. Dismissing an adult child’s feelings and hurts is just as damaging as dismissing a child’s hurts. Please correct me if I am wrong, but what I have taken from this is that our kids are our kids… forever. I will never allow one of my kids to treat the other like I have been treated. Adult bullying with in the family is simply just as toxic as childhood bullying. Any bullying when happening with in the family is extremely painful because the victim has their trust down, they started out their life loving the bully. Their parents scolded them when they tried to stand up for themselves as the bully always lied, and being the oldest had credibility. When you are bullied as an adult, it is experiencing a death, only the bully keeps rising from the dead at family weddings, reunions, holidays. It is a nightmare. Thank you for placing a lable on it and understanding. I have spent my adult life time emotionally hurt and feeling like, “when am I ever going to grow up and get past this?”.
The healing for us all will begin when we come out from wherever we are and take a stand. This movement needs our voices and thank you for writing in. The process that you have gone through is shunning. It is one of the most painful punishments that a human can experience. As a species we are very mean to each other. Yes, adult sibling abuse is terrible and lasting. It makes us feel helpless. The power will come back when we have labeled what this is all about: sibling abuse. Thank you for writing in.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, opening a dialogue about this issue and creating a space where others can share.
My sister and I, both in our early 40′s, have a very tumultuous relationship stemming from the abuse we both suffered as children.
Despite the fact that it’s been over a decade since we’ve both been estranged from our abusive mother, we still suffer the lingering affects of having been played against each other growing up.
Like a pendulum that swings, we are either in survivor mode, wherein we are the best of friends or we are not speaking at all due to verbal and emotional abuses against each other.
It seems that we just can not get past the dynamic of our early childhoods and we regularly play the scenario over and over in our adult lives. It is exhausting and emotionally draining.
Though we’ve each managed to break the cycle of abuse in our parenting, it seems to linger within our relationship with each other.
I’m desperate to find a way to heal before we (and our children) become estranged from each other.
Estrangement is very hard. I experience it everyday. There is a marriage therapy called Imago that I utilize between family members. Individual recovery can come about through a therapy called EMDR.
It seems to open communication. Sometimes we have to access if a relationship is good for us, regardless of bloodline.
I have found through time that family makes us feel less vulnerable in the world. Sometimes it is important to understand if we really can control what happens in a family. I am starting to see that these people were assigned to us for lessons. The lessons aren’t always readily available for us to see. They are there. I appreciate your taking the time to write. Blessings.
Mother looked away. I was the last of 3 children and frequently reminded by her that I was unplanned, via “cute” stories. While the sister hurt me, and enlisted others to hurt me, she looked the other way, waved it off, just kid stuff. The sister is 6 years older and capable and happy to cause great harm, both physical and emotional.
Yep, the lack of a safe haven at home has really messed me up. My two sons are okay, however, and I never hurt them in those ways. I learned about love from them, although I wish I had better tools to bring up those wonderful young men.
Moved a lot, married twice to men who were not honorable. Held too many jobs, now I’m 60, taking care of my 90 year old mother and wishing I could find a job (not in retail).
People have no idea how much I hurt. I’m outwardly cheerful and outgoing….but rarely share my inner pain. Trust issues. I have currentlly cut off the relationship with the sister, and she has finally shown my mother what a hateful and ugly person she is. Of course, it’s too late, and although I know that Mother has finally faced some of her disastrous mistakes as a parent, she’s very old and I have to remember she is not the same person.
She was a highly respected teacher. It’s where she spent her energy while we ran unsupervised. Brilliant.
I’m glad I found this website, I will check it often.
So tell me, how can I cure “trauma brain”??
Thank you for connecting. You are in a tough place…taking care of a mother that didn’t supervise you. I feel for you because there is so much repressed anger on your part. The trauma brain is benefited by a therapy called EMDR. This has been very helpful to me. For many years, I went and did talk therapy. I can’t tell you the countless times that doctors wanted to give me a prescription for an anti-depressant or a tranquilizer. EMDR is a process of going back into old beliefs. And as children who are abused by a sibling, the beliefs are pretty hard to remove. EMDR is very helpful for adults that have been abused by siblings and parents who did not supervise or protect children that they brought into this world.
Thank you for your reply!
I have done years of talk therapy already, and as long as I’m in therapy it is very helpful. Now that I’m unemployed, and living in a new city, I’m starting over and that’s okay. Still, I don’t have a job or insurance and when I went looking online, all I could find was groups that offer group therapy for domestic violence. Would this be useful to me also?
I didn’t bother to mention in my previous message that I was whipped with a belt by my father for crimes like getting C’s on my report card, and Mother would slap me and hit me and even pull my hair! It’s amazing that I’m still alive, really. I know that millions of people had similar experiences to mine and yet each of us has been alone in our heads and hearts as we negotiate life.
So, do you think a group that addresses issues of domestic violence would be a safe bet in my situation? I’m not sure what else to do and I’ve become even lonelier than before.
Support groups for what comes out of sibling abuse do not exist. When we have been hurt in the early developmental stages where the brain is in fast neurological progression, the hippocampus, remembers everything. It makes associations until you can get to the right treatment. I wish you could afford EMDR. It is the only thing that ever helped me. The mental diagnosis of what we have from sibling abuse is PTSD and to be precise, it is called COMPLEX PTSD. When we are violated by a close family member, the brain is traumatized more so if it had been a stranger. Look at the different parts of the brain. There is a physiological component to what happens to us as children. The brain is altered. Are you angry? If you aren’t, I’ll be angry for you Susan. There are 80 million adult survivors of sibling abuse in America. Many of us are limping, poor, ridiculed, homeless, and didn’t know how to parent a our children. You are alive and it is time to get empowered. Look up PTSD, EMDR, the parts of the brain. I work with clients that have PTSD. One of the first things that I give them is a copy of a cross section of a brain. If your domestic violence group is all that you can get, do it. It however will not shift you into new perspectives. You will get support for being a victim and hopefully you will become an empowered one. EMDR therapists are obligated on a humanitarian level, to give you a couple of sessions. Keep calling. But before you do become educated about PTSD. Nancy
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